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When you believe you have a stable relationship because intimate interaction with someone is lighting your fire, you’re often completely unconscious of the facts. Here’s how Bogus Love Syndrome (BLS) operates psychologically.

In any relationship, all you really know for sure is how you think and feel. You have absolutely no control over how the other person feels or behaves. Your alleged partner, the pretender, probably perceives the relationship in a completely different way.

You persist in projecting positive qualities onto the pretender that he/she doesn’t really possess. These projections are nothing but thoughts; not tangible realities. Meanwhile, the pretender is projecting more accurate qualities onto you, like “What a dumb ass sucker this guy is!”

In fact, since the relationship exists in two different ways in your two different minds, there actually isn’t a stable thing called “the relationship.”  But because you’re unconscious, you still think there is.

When you have sex with a pretender, your brain secretes irresistibly powerful bonding hormones (see Molecules of Emotion by Candace Pert). These attachment hormones change your brain chemistry. You actually think, feeling and behave as if you are in a healthy, loving relationship.

Don’t project true love onto a pretender.Michael Hoffman - Proud BLS Survivor

While you’re off in La-La-Land, the pretender isn’t having the same chemical experience and considers you nothing but a hookup. You end up in a delusional relationship with hormones and a false partner who just doesn’t care one way or the other.

When your pretender gets tired of playing with you and walks away, fear hormones replace the attachment hormones. You get depressed, weepy, angry and confused.

You feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest, but your bummer is only funky and temporary hormonal chemistry. Wake up and realize that the whole relationship was your own erroneous and unconscious projection of love onto someone who never felt the same.

Be conscious when you catch yourself projecting ideal characteristics onto a potential lover. Take time to get to know them. Keep your clothes on until you’re reasonably sure you’re not hormone-rushing into a pretender’s bed.

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