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June 26, 2015

Dear Sober Buddha,

You have to help me! My fiancee dumped me last week. She said I don’t have enough money to make her feel secure. Ever since we met, she’s insisted meditative life was more important than material things. We went to retreats together for five years, read all the cool new mindfulness books and magazines and meditated together at a local sangha every Sunday.

I have over $600k saved, and I’m getting a settlement from a few “broken” REITs that will put me over seven figures. I’m set for life, but she still says it’s not enough. I just don’t understand.

After the ecstasy, the laundry.A wise man

I’ve been a daily vipassana meditator since 1992 and thought I had a good understanding of the suffering caused by too much attachment, but her decision has wiped out my peace of mind. I’m a mess. I’m embarrassed, and I’m not being very mindful.

Help!

Paul R.

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June 29, 2015

Dear Paul,

Ah, so you have fallen into the trap of believing your relationship was going to last forever. You knew better, and now you suffer. Your ego got busted acting out its addiction to delusional thinking. There is no such thing as a perfect forever anything, let alone a love affair.

Remember that what your ex-fiancee did isn’t your business. She had personal reasons, and I imagine money wasn’t the whole story. Your breakup and suffering is pure human drama, pure clinging. She is no longer an objective reality in the present moment of your life. But her ghost haunts you. Not healthy. Not conscious. Not good.

Don’t cling to the movie in your head. It’s already a re-run. Don’t bargain or try to figure it out, because a constant head trip isn’t going to change it. Instead, do two mindful things. First, do the meditation on emotional body flavors. Observe where all these feelings appear as sensations of pain, cold, heat, pressure, nausea or numbness in various parts of your uptight, stressed out physical body. Just feel and observe without reacting or judging. Little by little you’ll gain insight into how impermanent and how unsatisfactory they are. Keep observing and they will change to a rhythmic flow of pure energy. Keep observing and you’ll become enchanted by the vibration and forget all about your “issue.” You’ll eventually laugh about getting so upset about something someone else did. It was just your fiancee’s circus, but you aren’t her monkey.

Second, demonstrate compassionate by using the metta prayer. Wish yourself happiness and the root of happiness. Wish the same for her. Project out the desire for her to find all the health, wealth and happiness you want for yourself. This is true volitional alchemy. You’re acknowledging that the relationship has already changed. You understand this at a profound level. Your pity-pot of dramatic human grief turns into spiritual wisdom. I know this is very heavy processing, but it works miracles for people who master it.

Your emotional pain is impermanent. Welcome it into your meditation knowing this important fact, and it can’t hurt you. This woman was not born into this world to live up to your expectations, and you were not obligated to be her bank. When you meditate, you release your grip on impossible dreams. Then you get up from your meditation cushion and mow the lawn. After the ecstasy, the laundry…as you’ve heard one wise man say.

Besides, you just saved thousands of bucks on a wedding ring.

Your friend,

Sober Buddha

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