How many very intelligent people have you known who just can’t seem to get their act together in social, business or personal relationships? They seem to be clueless or ambivalent about how their behavior effects other people. They can be undependable, volatile, selfish and cruel, but often aren’t aware of it. You wonder — “How can a smart person like that make such stupid decisions?”
If you had a random sampling of 100 U.S. adults with high 130 IQs and 100 people with average 100 IQs, the lower IQ group would perform better on functional behavioral intelligence tests than the 130 group 70 percent of the time. Why? Because those 70 people with lower IQs had higher emotional intelligence (EQ).
EQ involves more subjective reasoning than logical IQ testing, so it’s harder to measure. If you want to approximate your EQ, get a copy of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry. His TalentSmart company offers EQ testing and training. You can also get a sense of your EQ by comparing yourself to the 18 standards listed below.
1. You have precise language for specific emotions. Opinions are like the nose on your face: everybody has one, and the only one that matters is yours. That’s what you use to smell the roses of your own self-respect.Michael Hoffman, Sober Buddha Counseling
Fewer than 40 percent of people can effectively identify, name and master even your most intense emotional feelings. When you’re high EQ, you understand the twists and turns of your changing emotions. You speak accurately and clearly about your feelings.
2. You care about other people.
Empathy for the hopes, dreams, challenges and suffering of other people characterizes a high EQ. The more you understand the language of emotions, the more you can understand how other people feel. You see yourself in them and them in yourself.
3. You understand the impermanent nature of all people, places and things.
You accept the fact that everything in life eventually changes and ends, one way or another. You greet change with stable feelings that leave you free energy to adapt to the new conditions.
4. You play your best cards.
You know what you can handle and what you can’t. You don’t always know exactly what path is best to follow, but you learn to avoid situations that you know will overwhelm you.
5. You can “read” other people.
When you understand the emotions behind your behaviors, you develop the ability to read them in other people. You start to intuit who is behind the social mask most people wear. You learn to avoid enmeshment.
6. Criticism doesn’t bother y0u.
You are open-minded and know the difference between a constructive comment and a degrading non-constructive criticism. You laugh off pointless jabs.
7. You can say NO.
You know the limits of your time and energy, and when you’re maxed out, you clearly say “NO” to now obligations that you know you can’t fulfill.
8. You let yourself off the hook.
You don’t waste emotional energy dwelling on past mistakes. You learn from the negative results and do better the next time.
9. You are sincerely generous.
You give people time and energy when you think they need a hand. The satisfaction you get from helping is bigger than expecting them to give something back.
10. You let hurt and anger go.
You know the past can’t be rewritten, so you file it away as a learning experience. This reduces stress on your body and nervous system. You know you can’t win a war that’s already over.
11. You deflect negativity.
You prepare yourself to be calm and rational when you know you’ll have to deal with a difficult person. You preemptively block their negative energy by looking for some level of agreement between you. You focus on solutions instead of conflicts.
12. You take pride in progress.
Since you know there is no such thing as perfection, you enjoy each step of the journey of self-improvement. You remember to congratulate yourself for a job well done, no matter how much else remains to be done.
13. You are grateful.
Remembering to be thankful for the people, places and things that you enjoy about your life actually lowers stress hormones and elevates your mood. Grateful people have half-full glasses.
14. You go off the grid.
Your mind and body celebrate when you periodically give yourself a break and turn off your personal and business electronics. The human nervous systems is not designed to be “turned on” and to respond to constant anticipatory stress messages 24/7.
15. You avoid stimulants.
Too much of any stimulant, like caffeine in coffee, increases your adrenaline output and puts your whole body on alert. Neurochemical exhaustion sets in when you depend on stimulants instead of sensible nutrition and rest, and exhausted people let their emotions run away with them.
16. Your sleep brings relief.
Adequate sleep allows the nervous system to discard stresses and renew its supply of neuropeptides. Not enough sleep accumulates fatigue factors that make it increasingly difficult to think and act clearly and effectively. Long-term sleep deficits negatively impact mental, emotional and physical health.
17. You see the bright side.
Thoughts and emotions are brain chemistry phenomena, not objective facts. When you catch yourself thinking negatively over and over again, you remind yourself to look at the real-time facts of your life situation. Then you reward yourself by taking positive action to keep moving foward.
18. You determine your own self-worth.
You are too busy doing good things for yourself and other people to pay attention to people who drag you down with unproductive criticism and gossip. Opinions are like the nose on your face: everybody has one, and the only one that matters is yours. That’s what you use to smell the roses of your own self-respect.
ADAPTED FROM: Waking Times, Entrepreneur Media, 2015
About Michael Hoffman
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