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April 1, 2015

Dear Sober Buddha,

I’ve thought about learning to meditate since I saw the 60 Minutes TV story on mindfulness with Anderson Cooper last month. Maybe it can solve my relationship problems. I’m almost 50 years old, divorced twice and I haven’t been single since age 15.

My father died when I was six years old, and my mother remarried an abusive alcoholic who constantly criticized and punished me. I had two pregnancies in my teens, then married my high school boyfriend. I divorced him 20 years later, because he was narcissistic and not too bright. Then I quickly remarried, but divorced that man because he was insanely jealous.

My dentist and I have this new FWB relationship, which is better than being alone. I want true love, but men always take advantage of me or bore me to death. I need an intelligent man who can keep me interested. I have a Master’s Degree in Social Work, so I’m not exactly clueless.

I’m also concerned about how much meditation costs and how much effort it takes. I’m not remarried yet, so I’m the single parent of a teenager who’s my #1 time and money priority. My friend Angie has been meditating for two years, and she says there’s a lot less stress around the house because of it. Her husband doesn’t meditate, and I was wondering if that’s a potential problem. What if I like to meditate, but the man I’m with doesn’t?

Your Sober Buddha Blog about the Bogus Love Syndrome (Part I and Part II) made me think about how delusional I get around men. Does meditation really help people have better relationships? I’m tired of the merry-go-round I’m on, but I can’t get off. I think I need to learn to make healthier choices.

Thank you,

Susan B.

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April 4, 2015

Dear Susan,

Thank you for sharing so candidly. Self-honesty and open-minded willingness to change are critical steps toward finding meaning and direction in life. A high IQ and a college education don’t guarantee emotional intelligence (EQ), though. My guess is that your lack of a healthy male role model during the developmental years after your father’s death has left you vulnerable and impulsive in your choice of partners.

I can’t promise that you’ll find Mr. Right when you meditate, but most people become less OCD about love. You will learn that all romantic thoughts and feelings are impermanent. They arise and pass away like the wind, and you can observe them without acting them out in problematic behavior. Meditation lowers obsessive thinking patterns, and you can see relationships with a clear mind instead of the delusional thinking and raging hormones. Just imagine thinking patiently about a potential relationship before jumping on it. Think of the heartache you’ll prevent!

Meditation lowers obsessive thinking patterns, and you can see relationships with a clear mind instead of the delusional thinking and raging hormones.Michael Hoffman, Sober Buddha Counseling

Daily practice of vipassana mindfulness meditation improves brain function, lowers stress and boosts immune capacity. The American Mindfulness Research Association publishes hundreds of clinical psychological and medical studies every year that support this (check out www.amra.org). Harvard Medical School just released its own brain study on health benefits of vipassana using MRI tests.

Remember the old AA saying, “Two sickies don’t make a wellie.” You won’t attract healthy love until you have a healthy mind, so my advice is – quit looking for love in all the wrong places. Stay away from Heartbreak Hotel, learn the vipassana technique from an authentic teacher and meditate every day. Read MINDFUL Magazine and Bhante Gunaratana’s hot new meditation book, Mindfulness in Plain English. Go to some meditation retreats. Check out vipassana teacher Shinzen Young’s inspiring videos on YouTube.

Popular media tells us hooking up ensures happiness. You know that’s ridiculous. Divorce and STD statistics are enough to scare anyone. Do yourself a favor. Learn vipassana mindfulness meditation and stay single for a while. When your mind and emotions settle down, you’ll discover how strong you really are.

Yours in health,

Sober Buddha

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