Source
Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Outlandish University School of Unnecessary Medicine, Atlanta, Georgia, USA. Denial N, Bogus J.
Abstract
Although DSM-IV acknowledged the clinical significance of some subthreshold forms of unipolar depression, such as minor depression (MinD) and recurrent brief depression (RBD), clinicians continued to struggle with the reality that people have a shitty day from time to time. A substantial number of patients continued to be bummed out when their iPad could not connect to the Internet and allow them to access Facebook or when they took their cars to AAMCO and found out they did need a new transmission. But, they weren’t totally depressed, because they had otherwise very happy lives and were just temporarily pissed off at the inconveniences they were experiencing.
These relatively insignificant and temporary bummers did not satisfy any DSM-IV diagnosis, but pharmaceutical manufacturers still figured out they should create an addictive and affect-numbing psychoactive medicine to fix it. Currently, Bogus Pharmaceuticals is performing clinical trials on Pleasura, a new synthetic drug designed to mask irritation by causing temporary amnestic effects.
“Pleasura just might be the solution to feeling periodically funky,” said Daniel Denial, Bogus project leader on the Pleasura development team.
“We’ve already tested it on people who have received incorrect deliveries from Amazon online orders and others who cannot find a proper-fitting jacket at Banana Republic. The effect of Pleasura is to make them forget they have even gone shopping in the first place. This kind of memory erasure is sure to remove the disappointment from the shopping experience and stimulate more repeat consumer buying. After all, our pharmaceuticals are designed to help ensure that all patients continue to stimulate the American economy with mindless consumption of unnecessary manufactured products,” Denial continued.
None of the SSDD trial patients studied were totally bored with their lifestyles or depressed, the criteria that DSM-IV mandates for any diagnosis of depression. Therefore, the authors of the DSM-IV realized people were experiencing some unavoidable situations in life that had not yet been categorized and turned into a sickness. The new DSM-V authors planned to correct this omission.
Researchers reexamined the question of whether people should be allowed to have an upset reaction to periodic inconvenience. These types of things effect every single person on the planet from time to time, but Bogus researchers and DSM-V writers cannot just drop it. They are neurotically obsessed with turning these experiences into something clinically problematic.
DSM-V researchers have therefore labeled this cluster of symptoms, “subsyndromal dysthymic disorder” (SSDD). Specifically, SSDD is defined as a temporary and unexpected lifestyle event that does not cause major depression or the abysmal state of anhedonia, in which the bummer is so huge that the sufferer ruminates on it to the expense of going to the gym or growing mung bean sprouts or going to an IMAX theater to see the latest 3D slasher movie.
Psychiatrists, psychotherapists and social workers will now be able to grab insurance reimbursement by diagnosing their patients with SSDD. This new diagnosis is a boon to clinicians who eschew patients’ ability to cope with life’s vagaries without getting sick.
“SSDD is the most significant advancement in clinical diagnosis since trichotillomania. We’ve been pulling our hair out for years trying to invent new mental illnesses so we can make up ways to convince people we can cure them,” said I.M. Important, president of the California Association of Licensed Narcissists.
“Now we have a new way to justify keeping patients in treatment longer and longer, which enables us to recoup some of the money we’ve spent on graduate school study of irrelevant clinical trivia. After all, the entire clinical psychology industry exists to perpetuate labels so that people don’t have to live with the ambiguity of not calling themselves names. Without labels, the ego becomes unstable and people resort to all sorts of obsessive behaviors such as praying and meditating, which interfere with the cognitive behavioral process,” Important said.
The symptoms of SSDD must be present for more than 20 minutes and be associated with a temporary, minor physical, social or financial inconvenience. Using Medline Search, the authors reviewed the literature on the epidemiology, demographics, clinical characteristics, and psychosocial impairment of SSDD, and discovered it did not exist. SSDD is found to have none of the demographics and clinical characteristics to Major Depressive Disorder, Minor Depression, and dysthymia. Neither is SSDD associated with significant psychosocial dysfunction as compared with healthy subjects. Further, it has no significant risk for suicide and future MD.
No studies have been conducted on the treatment of SSDD. However, the unavoidable fact that shit happens in everyone’s life from time to time cannot be overlooked and must be pathologized to conform to the paranoid diagnostic and statistical obsession of modern clinicians. The application of spiritual principles to the acceptance of inconvenience as a fact of life is considered irrelevant to the authors of the new DSM-V, which will continue to ignore the principles of depth psychology, emergent spirituality and the occult.
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